Humor: Downsize your husband before moving
When you've lived in a home for several years, it isn't easy to move, as I discovered recently. Not only have you accumulated a lot of junk, you've grown quite attached to it. So what if the old TV doesn't work anymore -- it still serves an important purpose: covering the stain on the carpet.
Deciding what to do with everything is a major challenge, especially if you're a married man like me. It would have been simpler, of course, to let my wife, Malathi, make all the decisions. All her things would have gone into a box labeled "collectibles." All my things would have gone into a box labeled "Goodwill."
Goodwill, as you probably know, is a chain of thrift stores across North America. I shop there occasionally, but I never buy secondhand stuff, only pre-owned goods in mint condition. Yes, my standards are high, which may explain why Malathi would want to donate my stuff to Goodwill. She knows it would sell well.
Goodwill receives tons of donations every day. Some of the donors are moving like us, some are merely trying to create a path through their homes and some are getting rid of items in a desperate effort to find their lost children. The folks at Goodwill sort through the donations very carefully, keeping all the good stuff and returning anything that says, "I want my mommy."
Our home was never so cluttered that our children went missing, at least not for more than a week or two. Even so, one thing was clear: We needed to downsize considerably, otherwise we'd have to rent a moving truck the size of Sri Lanka.
Getting my wife to downsize is like getting a 12-year-old to stop reading Harry Potter. It might happen, but not without an act of Congress. And even then, there'd be a lot of kicking and screaming.
In the weeks before our move, Malathi bought several books and other items, forcing me to spend a few minutes explaining the meaning of the word "downsize."
Me: "Downsize means to reduce in number or size."
Malathi: "So if I got rid of you, would that be downsizing?"
Me: "Uh ... well .... those are some really good books you
bought, dear. I'm sure we can find space for them."
Malathi did eventually decide to downsize, thanks partly to the resolution in Congress. She organized a moving sale and was a storekeeper for a couple of weeks, dealing with various customers, including a few who were still trying to master English.
Customer: "We might come again tomorrow. Where is sale going
to be?"
Malathi: "Right here. Same place. Why do you ask?"
Customer: "Well, it is moving sale. I thought it is going to
move somewhere."
Malathi: "Actually, it's called a moving sale because I want
everything to move. Especially my husband's stuff."
Some of the customers insisted on bargaining with Malathi,
despite the low prices.
Customer: "How much for this fan?"
Malathi: "Two dollars."
Customer: "Hmmm ... will you take one dollar?"
Malathi: "Sure."
Customer: "Hmmm ... will you take 50 cents?"
Malathi: "Sure."
Customer: "Hmmm ... how much will you pay me to take it
away?"
