A Logical Solution to Achieve 100%

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:


A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

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Patio Park - Doggy Potty

I'm thinking about getting one of these for the condo...

The Patio Park system, billed as the Cadillac of dog potties, comes with a spacious area of turf, backed by a "picket fence" back wall to avoid wall splashes.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

First let me preface this by saying I had a large Skinnygirl Margarita and am on my second glass of wine!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!

Since we decided to stay here until spring we are looking for rentals.  We are having trouble finding something we like, reasonably priced, pet friendly, 1000+ sq ft and under $1000/month rent.  I found a townhome community that I fell in love with and while searching to see if anything was for rent, I stumbled across a couple we liked.  I decided to also search the sales because there were 3 for sale signs in the community.

Women's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman.....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

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WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!

Last year I purchased the TV Ears so I could watch TV in bed without bothering Jerry and to use while on the treadmill.  They work great, but after an hour or so they would start to hurt my head.  This is probably just me.  I've always had a sensitive head.  I remember in elementary school my mother would insist on putting my hair in ponytails and it would hurt when she brushed it, but if you winced, you got smacked on the head with the brush, so you learned not to wince.  Even now, if I wear a headband or some sunglasses that are too snug I get headaches.

Anyways, the reason I bought them to begin with is as I get older it seems like the background music/noise on TV keeps getting louder and the dialogue keeps getting softer.  I'm having to turn up my TV louder and louder and rewinding my Tivo to understand what people are saying.  Finally when you can hear the speakers on your TV vibrate from the Tivo, "ding, ding, ding", a solution must be found.

I purchased the wireless speaker that goes with my TV Ears and I am so happy!  I have the speaker set up on my nightstand and use that now instead of the TV speakers.  The speaker really does a great job using something called Voice Clarifying Circuitry to make the dialogue clearer and keeps the backgound noise in the background.  I can understand everything that is said on the TV at half the volume I used to use. 

So as I make my first official purchase to initiate me into old-ladydom, I anxiously await what future gadgets await me as I tread into senility.

Official TV Ears Website - Must be 55 or older to enter!

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Personality Disorders of the Real Housewives (& my mother)

I came across this blog and found it very tantalizing. The author has a psychology degree and has used that degree to "diagnose" the various housewives for our entertainment.

Click here to read her synposis:
Personality Disorders of the Real Housewives

Read on to see how my mother compares to a couple of the housewives.  I have highlighted the characteristics that describe Mommie Dearest

Her diagnosis of Teresa sounds like my mother:

Emotionally Unstable Personality, Impulsive Type at least three of the following must be present:



■Marked tendency to act unexpectedly and without consideration of the consequences



■Marked tendency to quarrelsome behavior and to conflicts with others (my mother must maintain and cause conflicts amongst her children to amintain her feeling of control)

■Liability to outbursts of anger or violence without ability to control the resulting behavioral explosions


■Difficulty in maintaining any course of action that offers no immediate reward

■Unstable and capricious mood

But then Danielle's "diagnosis" also is very Liz-Like:

She has a Tony Soprano type charm I do think Danielle fits the profile for antisocial personality disorder and is indeed a psychopath. Judge for yourself though. Diagnosis is made by observation of a majority of these behaviors:

Selfish, callous and remorseless use of others:


■Glibness/superficial charm (smooth-talking, engaging and slick)

■Grandiose sense of self-worth (greatly inflated idea of one’s abilities and self-esteem, arrogance and a sense of superiority)

■Pathological lying

■Conning/manipulative (uses deceit to cheat others for personal gain)

■Lack of remorse or guilt (no feelings or concern for losses, pain and suffering of others)

■Emotional poverty (limited range or depth of feelings)

■Callous/lack of empathy (a lack of feelings toward others; cold, contemptuous and inconsiderate)

■Failure to accept responsibility for own actions

Chronically unstable, antisocial and socially deviant lifestyle:

■Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom (an excessive need for new, exciting stimulation and risk-taking)

■Parasitic lifestyle (exploitative financial dependence on others)

■Poor behavioral control (frequent verbal abuse and inappropriate expressions of anger)

■Promiscuity (numerous brief, superficial sexual affairs)

■Lack of realistic, long-term goals

■Impulsivity

■Irresponsibility (repeated failure to fulfill or honor commitments and obligations)

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SOLD!!! Well, Under Contract anyway...

Yay!  We received an offer on the house, we countered and the buyer accepted our counter-offer!  WooHoo!!  We are in the 10 day option period for the buyer to get the inspection.  He is closing on his home sale on August 5 and we are scheduled to close on August 13.  We may close a little sooner if he has funding before the 13th.  We hung out with the buyer for a little while today and he seems like a super nice guy.  Single dad and wants his youngest to start his freshman year at Madison since he currently lives in Windcrest and the school there is Roosevelt, which has turned more into a detention center than a high school.

Foods You Should NEVER Feed Your Dogs

Foods You Should NEVER Feed Your Dogs

Because of the unique metabolism of dogs, there are several foods fit for human consumption and other animal species but can be hazardous for dogs. Some of the dangerous foods can only cause upsets of the digestive system mildly while other foods can be the reason for severe sickness and sometimes death. The foods listed below should never be given to dogs whether deliberately or by accident:

Alcoholic drinks can cause intoxication for dogs, the same effect they have on humans. The most adverse effects are coma and even death.

Coffee, tea and chocolate can be toxic to dogs and may affect the nervous system especially the heart because of their theophylline, theobromine and caffeine content.

Garbage, spoiled or moldy foods may cause diarrhea and vomiting due to the multiple toxins. It can also have ill effects on the other organs.

Garlic and onions (whether in powder, cooked or raw forms) can cause anemia and damage the red blood cells because of the sulfoxides and disulfides contents. Onions are more toxic than garlic.

Artificial sweeteners like Xylitolmay result to failure of the liver functions.

Bones from poultry, fish or other sources of meat may cause laceration or obstruction of the digestive system.

Baby food, if given in large quantities may cause nutritional deficiencies. Most baby foods have onion powder which can be harmful to your pet dogs.

Fat trimmings may result to pancreatitis.

Extracts from citrus oil may result to vomiting.

Raisins and grapes can cause damage to the kidneys due to an unknown toxin.

Hops contain an unknown compound that causes elevated temperature, increased heart rate, panting, seizures and even death.

Raw eggs decrease the absorption of a B vitamin called biotin because of the enzyme called avidin. This may result to hair, coat and skin problems. Raw eggs can also have Salmonella.

Raw fish may lead to a deficiency in a B vitamin called thiamine which, in return, may result to loss of appetite, seizures and death in severe cases.

Salt may result to electrolyte imbalance if eaten in large quantities.

Table scraps when given in large amounts are not nutritionally balanced. Table scraps should not be over 10% of a dog's diet. Meat should be trimmed of fat and bones should not be given.

Large amounts of liver may affect the bones and muscles due to the toxicity of Vitamin A.


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Offer on the way!!!

Well Chris is on her way over with an offer on our house!  Hopefully it will be a good one.  The potential buyer wants to move in by August.

If the offer is good enough, we will hustle on the move.  Luckily our large trash pick up is due in a couple of weeks so I can load up the curb again.

Since we missed our desired deadline for moving and summer is already half over, if we accept the offer Jerry and I are thinking about renting something smaller (and cheaper) here and sock away the extra to fluff up our savings a bit more. If we go this route we will wait until winter to move.  I'd rather drive across the country in cooler weather and with my new job as a bookkeeper I am learning Quickbooks wgich will give me yet another skill for my resume.

100 Years Ago...

The year is 1910.  One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!  Here are some statistics for the Year 1910:

The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.

Fuel for tthe Ford Model T car was sold in drug stores only.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower

The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year ..

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .

Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!  Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard.'

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

The Five leading causes of death were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars ....

The population of Las Vegas , Nevada , was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school..

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, Regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health'

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help ....

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !


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Teenage Angst - Long Verses

I'm transcribing journal entries from the early 1990's. What follows are some of those entries.

Just a little love

It doesn't seem much to ask

Maybe I look too hard

It's a primal need

I can't seem to grasp

It seems the more I try

The more often I go home and cry

Why does it need to hurt so much

Am I doing something wrong

Come and go is always the story

All my energy drained

I need to rest yet I can't

Somewhere, Somehow I'll find it

I think...

I don't really know anymore

You think you've found it

Then before it begins, it's over

Like there never was a chance

Is it you, me, I guess

I'll never know

I only wish I could hold on

For a while longer and maybe

Love and be loved

I want to be with you

My Heart

My Soul

My Body

All wish to be

joined to you

Never to part from you

Not for eternity

Just as my mind is constantly

filled with thoughts of you

Please

I want it to be forever

Never for your love to

part from me

As mine will never

Part from thee.

I love you

but is it love I feel

And if so

How do I compete with

those that have loved you

before be?

Do you feel for me

as I do for you

or are you afraid.

Afraid of the memories

of another

Who you so highly acclaim?

I will freely give

All my heart will allow

If only you would share

with me

Your hopes and dreams

Let me in, Please

If only for a day

a minute

I will swear to you

all my love

undivided

Yours and your alone

-November 1991

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Feels like the first day of school...

Tonight I feel like a kid the night before the first day of school!  I start my new job tomorrow (pic is of my new boss Bill).  I already filled up the electric kettle (which is NOT the same as a teapot if you are an idiot that never listens and only thinks of themselves like my BIL and new bitch-in-law, but I digress), got my cup all ready with my local honey, 2 cubes of brown sugar and my English Breakfast Tea.  Would have preferred Irish Breakfast Tea, it is darker and a bit stronger that English, but I didn't want to open a new box yet. 

I am excited and a bit nervous.  I will be bookkeeping with Quickbooks, but I've never used Quickbooks.  I bought the Quickbooks for Dummies and of course, the Quickbooks Bible. 

For anyone that wants to learn ANY computer program, I HIGHLY recommend the Dummies series and if you want to REALLY get into a program or there is a program you use every day, you MUST own the Bible Series for those programs.  I have a Bible for every program I have used going back to Excel 97.

Click Here to see the "Bible Series" at Barnes & Noble. Worth every penny!!!

I am confident that it will only take me a couple of days to get the feel for Quickbooks and maybe a couple of weeks to master it.  No!  I am not being cocky!  I am just VERY confident in my computer skills.

I've laid out my outfit for tomorrow, made Jerry's lunch and only have to get my briefcase together.  I've tried several hairstyles this weekend since I have let my bangs grow out for the first time since high school and I think I'm all ready for tomorrow!

I haven't seen my therapist since I got a job, but I think Dr. Smith would be happy.  She won't be happy that I missed my outing with friends last Friday because of an arthritis flare up, but I have my anti-inflammatory now so I'm all good.  My "therapy homework" is to go out with someone who is not my husband every week.  This will help the Agoraphobia and I'm supposed to be working on building lasting relationships with people other than Jerry to help repair all the damage my mother did by making me go to 17 different schools.  Dr. Smith thinks that changing schools so often affected my ability to form and maintain long term friendships. 

So to all my friends, I am sorry if I have not been there for you or have appeared to "blow you off".  It's not you it's me and I hope you'll forgive me and help me become a better person!!

I affectionately call it the "Fight Club Syndrome".  Edward Norton talks about people on the plane at the begin of the moving and describes them as "Single Serving Friends". 

Life is a work in progress!  If you stop trying to be a better person and make life better, you might as well give up now.

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Fourth of July Trivia and Facts

On this day in 1776, the Declaration of Independence was approved by the Continental Congress, setting the 13 colonies on the road to freedom as a sovereign nation.

America’s Birthday is also celebrated in Denmark, Norway, Sweden, and England. In Denmark, where people listen to songs and speeches about the friendship between the United States and Denmark, the celebration is known as ‘Rebildfest.’

Delaware’s delegation to the Continental Congress put a unanimous endorsement of the Declaration at risk.  Dlaware delegate George Read was adamantly opposed to the Declaration (many still harbored an affinity for Great Britain and others feared for their careers and the fate of their families), while fellow Delawarians Thomas McKean and Caesar Rodney favored its adoption. Yet it appeared that Rodney, who was suffering from terminal cancer, might arrive in Philadelphia a day too late to break the Delaware delegation’s deadlock. However, the insistent Rodney rode all night through darkness, lightning, and thunder to arrive just in time to cast his affirmative vote, without which the Declaration would not have been unanimous. 

Up until Henry Ford and his millions of cars came along, the Fourth of July was traditionally the most

miserable day of the year for horses, tormented by all the noise and by the boys and girls who threw firecrackers at them.

July 4th, a legal holiday in all U.S. states and in U.S. territories overseas, is one of the few holidays that has not been moved to the nearest Friday or Monday. 

The word ‘patriotism’ comes from the Latin patria, which means ‘homeland’ or ‘fatherland.’

The Declaration of Independence was first:

• Reproduced on July 6

• Read to the public in Philadelphia at noon on July 8 (where, according to one observer, there were few

‘respectable’ people)

• Read in New York ‘in a clear voice’ on July 9, by order of General George Washington

• Read in Boston, accompanied by church chimes and the firing of cannon, on July 18

In Williamsburg, the colonial capital of Virginia, Independence Day is actually celebrated on July 25, because news of the adoption of the Declaration in Philadelphia did not reach Williamsburg until three weeks after July 4, 1776.

The Statue of Liberty is a 151-foot statue (including the torch) of a woman with a 4½-foot nose and a 3-foot mouth. In her left hand she holds a book, upon which is written ‘July 4, 1776.’

In the 1890s, it was customary to celebrate July Fourth with two parades: in the morning, a ‘Horribles’ parade of men and boys dressed in fantastic costumes made noise with all sorts of devices; and in the afternoon, a second parade featured military veterans and members of various local organizations.

The names of the signers of the Declaration of Independence were withheld from the public for more than six months to protect the signers. If independence had not been achieved, the treasonable act of the signers would have, by law, resulted in their deaths.

 Fourth of July 2010

2.5 million
In July 1776, the estimated number of people living in the newly independent nation.

309.6 million
The nation's estimated population on this July Fourth.

Flags

$3.0 million
In 2009, the dollar value of U.S. imports of American flags. The vast majority of this amount ($2.5 million) was for U.S. flags made in China.

$920,277
Dollar value of U.S. flags exported in 2009. Mexico was the leading customer, purchasing $333,882 worth.

$301.5 million
Annual dollar value of shipments of fabricated flags, banners and similar emblems by the nation's manufacturers, according to the latest published economic census data.

Fireworks

$209 million
The value of fireworks imported from China in 2009, representing the bulk of all U.S. fireworks imported ($217 million). U.S. exports of fireworks, by comparison, came to just $42.9 million in 2009, with the United Arab Emirates purchasing more than any other country ($14.5 million).

$331.4 million
The value of U.S. manufacturers' shipments of fireworks and pyrotechnics (including flares, igniters, etc.) in 2007.

Patriotic-Sounding Place Names

31
Number of places nationwide with "liberty" in their name. The most populous one as of July 1, 2008, is Liberty, Mo. (30,568). Iowa, with four, has more of these places than any other state: Libertyville, New Liberty, North Liberty and West Liberty.

•Thirty places have "eagle" in their name -- after the majestic bird that serves as our national symbol. (Places include cities, towns, villages and census-designated places.) The most populous such place is Eagle Pass, Texas, with 26,668 residents.

•Eleven places have "independence" in their name. The most populous of these is Independence, Mo., with 110,440 residents.

•Five places adopted the name "freedom." Freedom, Calif., with 6,000 residents, has the largest population among these. (This population total is as of the 2000 Census; no population estimate is available for Freedom because it is a census designated place.)

•There is one place named "patriot" -- Patriot, Ind., with a population of 189.

•And what could be more fitting than spending the Fourth of July in a place called "America"? There are five such places in the country, with the most populous being American Fork, Utah, population 27,064.

Early Presidential Last Names

138
Ranking of the frequency of the surname of our first president, George Washington, among all last names tabulated in the 2000 Census. Other early presidential names that appear on the list, along with their ranking, were Adams (39), Jefferson (594), Madison (1,209) and Monroe (567).

The British are Coming!

$93.2 billion
Dollar value of trade last year between the United States and the United Kingdom, making the British, our adversary in 1776, our sixth-leading trading partner today.

Fourth of July Cookouts

More than 1 in 4
The chance that the hot dogs and pork sausages consumed on the Fourth of July originated in Iowa. The Hawkeye State was home to 18.9 million hogs and pigs on March 1, 2010. This represents more than one-fourth of the nation's total. North Carolina (9.1 million) and Minnesota (7.2 million) were the runners-up.

6.5 billion pounds
Total production of cattle and calves in Texas in 2008. Chances are good that the beef hot dogs, steaks and burgers on your backyard grill came from the Lone Star State, which accounted for about one-sixth of the nation's total production. And if the beef did not come from Texas, it very well may have come from Nebraska (4.6 billion pounds) or Kansas (3.9 billion pounds).

6
Number of states in which the value of broiler chicken production was $1 billion or greater between December 2007 and November 2008. There is a good chance that one of these states -- Georgia, Arkansas, North Carolina, Alabama, Mississippi or Texas -- is the source of your barbecued chicken.

About 1 in 3
The odds that your side dish of baked beans originated from North Dakota, which produced 34 percent of the nation's dry, edible beans in 2009. Another popular Fourth of July side dish is corn on the cob. Florida, California, Georgia, Washington and New York together accounted for 66 percent of the fresh market sweet corn produced nationally in 2009.

Please Pass the Potato Salad
Potato salad and potato chips are popular food items at Fourth of July barbecues. Half of the nation's spuds were produced in Idaho or Washington state in 2009.


More than three-fourths
Amount of the nation's head lettuce production in 2009 that came from California. This lettuce may end up in your salad or on your burger.

7 in 10
The chances that the fresh tomatoes in your salad came from Florida or California, which combined accounted for 70 percent of U.S. fresh market tomato production last year. The ketchup on your burger or hot dog probably came from California, which accounted for 95 percent of processed tomato production in 2009.

Florida
The state that led the nation in watermelon production last year (818 million pounds). Other leading producers of this popular fruit included California, Georgia and Texas, each with more than 500 million pounds.

76 million
Number of Americans who said they have taken part in a barbecue during the previous year. It's probably safe to assume a lot of these events took place on Independence Day.




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RHONJ star Teresa Giudice calls bankruptcy filing a 'fresh start'

This story hit a nerve with me for some reason.  New Jersey is a very expensive place to live (high cost of living, high taxes) and Teresa claims that her and her husband's incomes equal approx $6,500 a month.  $3,300 hundred of that is her Bravo subsidy for Housewives.  That means prior to being a housewife their income was $3,200 a month.

Somehow they managed to build a $1.7 million mansion, which is only ONE of the THREE that they own.  Teresa spent $100,000 on one rooms furnishings paying all in cash.  In the bankruptcy filing they also list an additional income of $10,000 per month as "assistance from family members.  You have to wonder what kind of "family" they are talking about.  If my family could afford to give me $120,000 a year, I wouldn't have to work at all!  That is almost 1.5 times more than what we make as a couple now!

She spends more money in one shopping trip on socks than one of us makes in a month.  Calling their bankruptcy a "fresh start" is ridiculous!!  This type of gross "living beyond your means" is the reason so many people are in trouble and everyone else has to pick up the tab.  Why should my credit card fees and interest be higher, even though I pay my bills, becaus people like this rack up hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt only to file for bankruptcy making the banks eat the debt and pass it on to everyone else.

I really think the IRS needs to investigate this entire family to see how they support their lifestyle and where all this cash is coming from.  I don't see how it is all from legal resources.

If any of you have watched this show then you know Teresa is one of the most carefree spenders on the show and always whips out rolls of cash to pay with.  Just 2 episodes ago she threw a housewarming party for herself that easily costs in excess of $100,000.  Why would her family help support that kind of spending if there wasn't something shady going on.

To read the entire article, click below:
'Real Housewives of New Jersey' star Teresa Giudice calls bankruptcy filing a 'fresh start'

BBQ Etiquette

BBQ RULES

It is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food...

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beverage in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beverage while he flips the meat

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!

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How to Have a Sarcastic Sense of Humor ( or "How to be like me")

When you have a sarcastic sense of humor, people can find you a real curiosity. It can be hard for some people to tell when you are really joking. You rarely say exactly what you mean, and there's an edge to sarcastic humor that few people can truly appreciate. Your straight-faced delivery and dry cynicism will either leave everyone laughing or have them wondering what they missed.

Instructions

Step 1

Watch your delivery when speaking in order to have a sarcastic sense of humor. Deliver what you consider a joke in a monotone voice as if it is more for your own amusement than for anyone else.

Step 2

Show that you have a sarcastic sense of humor by being the opposite of a typical jokester. You are not looking for a laugh to prove you are funny. You avoid easy punch lines by making statements that require others to think for a moment before "getting it."

Step 3

Make your statements without showing others what parts are in fact funny. This is why those with a sarcastic sense of humor keep a straight face and monotone voice in their delivery.

Step 4

Add a tinge of mockery and a condescending attitude when making your sarcastic remarks to others.

Tips & Warnings


Sarcastic humor is a form of dry, understated humor that is less obvious and much more clever as a result.Some people do not understand the real humor behind a sarcastic sense of humor. You may need to point out to others when you are only joking so they don't become offended.

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WARNING FOR ALL WOMEN !

This is a heads up to those friends who haven't experienced it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who have. Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I know it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear end complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?

My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself.

Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement part, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs...and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Teenage Angst - Short Verses

I mean to let you

know I care

As I try

You only know to me

You are a good friend

How can I tell you

How I feel

Without hurting us both

Now it's back

What should I do?

Anything I say goes

What if I can't control it

Such a strange feeling

I wonder if he feels it too

When come the days

other lips you'll meet

beaches, flowers, winter

and love

In the pleasant scene

Maybe you'll remeber other

happy days that have been

and you'll remember me

One - Lost forever

One - Here for now

So alike, yet very different

Perhaps long ago

it would seem comical

but now

here

The pain is too much to bear.

The icy blue depths

of twin pools

are suddenly replaced

by the prodigious green

spheres illuminating

my thoughts

While once the pools

offered a soothing coolness

Now, I am drowning in them

Deep down where I hide

I stay with my loneliness

without any love

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

My heart is broken

because of you

So many people

The world is so crowded

We are all so different

Yet we share a comon bond

A fear of love

yet,

A need for it

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