You know you work in Corporate America if...

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.


You worked for the same company for 4 years and sat at more than 10 different desks.

You've been in the same job for 4 years and have had 10 different managers.

You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.

Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

Corporate Stupidity

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)



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Classified Ad Mis-prints

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale

3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.



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Damn Americans

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95. CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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Barbara or Jack?

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

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Be Gentle...

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

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Heimlich Manouver

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS

(a humorous example of how things can be twisted to support a particular agenda without technically issuing false statements)

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

-Remember this next time you are reading "statistics" about anything!

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A story with a moral...

There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said "I've had enough of this flying south every winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the big deal, anyway?"

So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground.

As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I'll get him for this!" The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing.

A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird.

The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.

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Tennessee State Troopers have no balls?

A young woman was pulled over in Nashville, Tennessee for speeding. As the Tennessee State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Tennessee State Police Ball."


He replied, "Tennessee State Troopers don't have balls."


There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.


She was laughing too hard to start her car.

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CDC Medical Alert

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.


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Windows 7 - New Jersey Edition (Hilarious)

Windows 7 New Jersey Edition


(This note is for those outside the Garden State)

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the WINDOWS 7 NEW JOISEY EDITION may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help unnerstanin da commands.

Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads; "Windas 7" wit a background pitcha of Hoboken. When yous start da program, instead of da usual harpy stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen. It's also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

PLEASE ALSO NOTE:

Recycle bin is labeled "Newark"

My computer is called "My Computa"

The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk"

Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked", "Erased", or "Rubbed Out"

Control Panel is known as "The Bosses"

Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin da family business"

and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.

Hard Drive is referred to as "Da turnpike on da way to da shore"

Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna believe dis" pops up


CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA JOISEY EDITION:

OK...........Sure ting

Cancel......Fugetaboutit

Reset........Start ova

Yes............Yeah

No..............Nah

Find............Put a contract out on

Browse........Get a looksee

Back...........U-Toin

Help...........Get your own ansa

Stop............Knock it off

Start............Move it

Settings.......Here's da rules

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly got a copy of the JOISEY EDITION.

You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WIT DAT?

(By da way, spellcheck is a nightmare wit da JOISEY edition dey still haven't worked out all da bugs)



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My pledge to you all as your friend

When you are sad,

I will jump on the person

Who made you sad

Like a spider monkey

Jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

When you are blue,

I will try to dislodge

Whatever or Whoever

Is choking you..

When you smile,

I will know you are

Plotting something

That I must be involved in.

When you're scared,

We will high tail it out of here.

When you are worried,

I will tell you horrible stories

About how much worse it could be

Until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

When you are confused,

I will use little words.

When you are sick,

Stay away from me

Until you are well again.

I don't want whatever you have....

When you fall,

I'll pick you up

And dust you off--

After I laugh my rear off!!

This is my oath.....

I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask;

-- because you are my FRIEND!

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Google rolls out real-time Stats for Blogger – Tech Products & Geek News | Geek.com

Google rolls out real-time Stats for Blogger – Tech Products & Geek News Geek.com

Computer Running Slow? 5 Common Computer Problems and Fixes

Computer Running Slow? 5 Common Computer Problems and Fixes

Owning a PC is a lot like owning a car, service it regularly and do regular small repairs and it will run problem free for years. Fail to service it and eventually it will have a major breakdown. Your PC is the same it needs to have regular maintenance done to it so it can run smoothly. Many people fail to do this and instead of having a computer that last 5 to 10 as their designed to, they're lucky to get three years out of it. Unless you like spending money you don't have to there's no reason that your computer shouldn't last five years or more.

If you take the time to do the simple tasks like de-fragmenting your hard drive, emptying cache files and deleting temporary files, registry cleaning and updating software. Your PC should run smoothly and performance should be like new for years. However if you don't do these simply tasks then you'll find your computer having many problems. Here five of the most common problems that people have with their PC's.

1. Crashes, Locking Up and the 'Blue screen of death' Most commonly these problems are caused by spyware. To get rid of this install anti-spyware software or if you already have software installed make sure it's updated to the latest version and run a full scan of your system. Ensure your hardware drivers are up to date. Out of date hardware drivers can cause numerous problems. Often the blue screen of death is caused by a random access memory problem (RAM) when you see this there should be an error code shown. Write this down and take it to you computer supplier who should have a database to check what the problem is.

2. Your computer reboots itself automatically and without warning. This is almost always a hardware issue, usually to do with your cooling system or power supply. Try cleaning out your cooling fans often they get full if dust and dirt. Your computer cannot cool itself and switches off to avoid overheating. If this does not seem to be the case check all the wires in your computer are attached correctly, overtime wires can come loose and cause issues with your power supply.

3. Computers making loud noises. Once again the fans are often the main culprit here being them moving part in your PC. Check they are clean and remove any build up of dirt from them and make sure no loose wires are hanging around the fans. Check all the screws in your computer as often they can work themselves loose and cause pieces of the housing to rattle. If the problem doesn't seem to be a loose wire or fan, it may be a good idea to back up your important data. Hard drives are made up of spinning disks and if they start making unusual noises it can often means there on their last legs. Back up your vital data and have a qualified technician have a look at it.

4. Pops ups keep popping up and your home page/default page has been changed. This is a spyware problem. Commonly known as 'high jacking' Somewhere along the way spyware has been installed on your computer from clicking on a webpage, through an email or one of the other numerous ways. This will require good quality up to date anti-spyware or in some cases anti-virus software to remove.

5. Computer performance has slowed down This is by far the most common complaint. Often it's not a hard fix to get a significant gain in performance by performing a few simple tasks. Deleting all temporary files, de-fragmenting your hard drive, installing updates, using an up to date anti-spyware program and ensuring there aren't numerous programs and services running in the back ground chewing up all your processing power. Doing these simple things will make a huge difference to your PC's performance.

As you can see there are a number of things you can easily do to ensure your PC runs smoothly and problem free. As long as they are performed regularly then your computer should run fast and reliable for years. If you run into serious problems then find a computer repair service with qualified technicians to perform a service on your PC to get it up and running.

Check out my website http://www.perth-computerrepairs.com.au/ for more tips on getting your computer running faster and crashing less.

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Congrats to Pamela and welcome to the world of blogging!

Just a quick note to welcome bloggings newest contributor - PAMELA FARIAS!

Here is her blog:  http://pamelaf03.blogspot.com/2010/08/my-very-first-blog.html

If anyone is interested in blogging you can go to www.blogger.com and get a FREE account.  Blogger is owned by Google so you use the same log in.

It is easy and quick to set up.  You could be writing your first blog in 5 minutes.


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Delusional Homeowners That Need to be Bitch Slapped (or HGTV's Real Estate Intervention)

I loved this show in Season 1 & 2 and anxiously awaited Season 3 only to be let down by HGTV.  It is hard to articulate the emotions I am feeling in the loss of this wonderful entertainment venue.  Luckily, I found someone else that is able to articulate how I am feeling.  Here it it:

http://www.review-spew.com/2010/08/real-estate-intervention-season-3.html

"I've previously mentioned my obsession with home improvement reality shows.
I enjoy the suffering of others, and this is what drew me to the previous seasons of Real Estate Intervention.

The premise is simple. Take an agressive real estate agent who looks like Richard Moll with a mustache, and send him out with a cute chip-munk faced interior designer to tell people that their home for sale is unbelievably overpriced, and that their house looks like a set from Swiss Family Robinson. (I love that show)

In previous seasons, the producers were adept at finding the most delusional sellers in the country. Many were upside down in their mortgage and asking 30% higher than they should. Mike Aubrey (Richard Moll realtor) would take them around town looking at comparative homes, and a sold comp as well. In the mean-time Sabrina Soto (Chip and Dale-esque designer) would get updates on their selling progress.

Aubrey would generally show them that their house was ridiculously over-priced, and that they needed to take one in the shorts or pull their house off the market. The sellers generally wouldn't listen to his advice, and on the "3 months later update" portion of the show, they usually hadn't sold and were subletting the downstairs bedroom to a family of 9.
Mike Aubrey was the resident hard-ass.

Soto's job on the show was to get coffee with the sellers, and look pretty for the camera.

It actually was a pretty entertaining show.
Not anymore.

This new season (season 3) is fairly similar to the others, but the creators have changed things...and for the worse.
They obviously thought that Soto was under-utilized, and now have half the show dedicated to her redecorating and helping stage the house.
Aubrey doesn't take the sellers to as many houses, and seems to have lost his "Simon Cowell" edge that made the show entertaining.
In addition, most of the sellers are generally likeable, and want to listen to the advice of the show---which usually means the house will sell.

A recent episode had an older couple selling their DC multi-level home for 1.8 million dollars because they had recently purchased a retirement home in Florida. This will not draw in audiences.
I propose that if they renamed the show Trailer Park Intervention and only helped people sell trailers, the show would be a genuine hit. Move over Pawn Stars.
Aubrey would have to grow a mullet to match his psuedo-stache in order to "mesh" with the locals. They would go visit other trailers on the market, but would need to bring mace for the dogs, and marlboro reds to keep the kids busy. Soto gets pregnant, and wears nothing but tube tops. She outfits each trailer with a 6 foot tall felt picture of Jesus, and a neon Schlitz sign for the window to class up the place. Rather than telling the sellers a price for their home, Bull Shannon-copycat instructs them on what would be the best trade for their trailer. '82 Trans Am's would be worth at least a 34 foot double-wide. 6 20 guage shotguns and card good for one VHS rental per month at the corner store would garner at least a 14 foot mobile.

Consider the above paragraph "prior art." Any attempt to steal this idea will be met with yelling and threats of lawsuits.

This feel-goody crap is not as interesting. It's true that Moll-doppleganger still sports his chic mustache, but even that has lost its luster. He drives around in BMW's and other luxury cars rather than a windowless van.

Soto tries to spice things up by wearing dresses that end 12 inches above her kneeline, but I'm not into inter-species relationships.
I tuned into this show for mental stress, financial loss, and credit-ruining circumstances. I'm not getting this anymore. It's officially pulled off my DVR schedule. If you disagree, this show can still be found on HGTV. Search porn-stache in your Tivo, and it should pop up.

1 boring star out of 5."



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Lose Weight How?

The Victory Project - Sponsored by Special K

YOU LOST WEIGHT HOW?

A TOE TAP HERE, A WIGGLE THERE CAN ADD UP TO REAL WEIGHT LOSS

Think the only way to really lose weight is to huff, puff and sweat at the gym? Think again. More than a decade's worth of research has shown that simple, everyday movement keeps your metabolism humming. In fact, simply tapping your feet, standing rather than sitting and generally moving a lot more during your day can add up to extra calories burned — as much as 350 more per day than if you're just sitting still. Keep it up and you can burn nearly 37 pounds in a year!

By adding short bursts of activity throughout the day, you can amplify your calorie burn, says fitness expert Chris Freytag. Here are some easy ways to get going.

Crunch in bed. Get a jump-start on flatter abs before you rise and shine. While lying in bed, draw your knees toward your chest 25 to 50 times to rev your energy and tone your belly. Add a set at night to double your fun.

You burn: Up to 20 calories in less than five minutes.

Dance while you dress. Turn up the tunes and get hopping while you dress, brush your hair, put on makeup and get ready for the day.

You burn: Up to 55 calories an hour.

Take a stroll. Make it a rule to wear shoes comfy enough for a long walk, and look for ways to add some strolling throughout your day. For instance, lap the grocery store before you pick up your first item, take a 15-minute midday walk, circle the block before you walk in the door after work or errands, take the stairs whenever you can, or walk around the bleachers or gym during your kids' athletic events.

You burn: Up to 375 calories throughout the day.

Take a stand. Stand up more throughout the day. Take phone calls while on your feet, have quick stand-up meetings with colleagues, eat your lunch while standing, read the mail while stepping in place.

You burn: Up to 200 calories an hour.

Travel in front of the TV. There's no law that says you can only watch TV while sitting on the couch! So get up and get moving while you view your favorite shows. Dance along to "Dancing With the Stars," do jumping jacks during commercials, bend and stretch while tuning in to the weather report.

You burn: Up to 300 calories an hour.
Fuss and fidget. Make it a habit to never sit perfectly still. Instead, bounce your knee at your desk, tap your toes, shift in your seat, pace while you talk on the phone, sway and twist from the waist while at your computer.

You burn: Up to 100 calories throughout the day.


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iRobot: Robot® Roomba® Vacuum Cleaning Robot

I think my Roomba was the best purcahse I ever made.  We have a mix of ceramic tile, hardwood floors and carpet along with a long hair cat, 2 Pomeranians and a Miniature Pinscher.  The hairballs tend to accumulate under the china cabinets because as you walk around the breeze from your feet blows the hair one at a time under the cabinets.

The Roomba goes under the cabinets and gets all the fur.  It goes under tables chairs and goes along the walls until it comes to a corner and then does a tight turn around the corner.  It cuts down on all the dust and allergens in the air.  I just tap my toe on the start button before I leave for work, it spends a couple of hours cleaning and when it gets tired, it parks itself back on the charger.

I purchased mine from http://www.woot.com/.  WOOT has some really awesome deals.  The Roomba's are usually refurbished from the factory, but come with all applicable warranties.  WOOT tends to have the Roomba every 4-6 weeks and is worth checking in everyday to get one.

iRobot: Robot® Roomba® Vacuum Cleaning Robot cleans routinely so you don't have to. Shop the iRobot Store for Roomba Vacuum Cleaning Robots.




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Typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!




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How to Deal With a Narcissist

I found this article interesting because although I don't think Narcissism is hereditary, it seems to run in my family.  My grandmother always had to stear the conversation to her and my mother downplays her kids feelings unless they further her goals and if you disagree with her she makes sure everyone knows how wrong she thinks you are and turns the family against each other.  She also gets very upset if her children communicate without her playing intermediary.  

Settling in and getting organized

Well we are settling into our new home.  Right now I'd say we are about 80% done.  We are settled enough that I've been able to resume cooking, but Jerry still hasn't found the keyboard for his Mac and I can't find the skeleton key for my china cabinet so I can unpack those boxes.

We went to our first HOA Town Hall meeting on Saturday, there wasn't a very big turnout, but Jerry and I were the youngest people there by a couple of decades!  While there is definately an older crowd here, everyone is very nice and it is so quiet and peaceful.  We can go to the pool or sauna anytime and there's not a bunch of people making a racket. 

Chloe Michelle Jackson (8/14/73 - 8/15/89)

Happy 37th Birthday!

Originally written 1991

You came into my life
A mere acquaintance
Thru time and turmoil
We became friends
As the days wore on
Into many a year
Our friendship grew and
Kept on growing
Over the years our
Bond grew stronger
And soon you were my
Greatest Friend
One would think
We could grow no closer
But yet…
We did
You became part of me
Like a sister
And when you left
A part of me left too
Forever there will be a void
Deep within myself
That no living soul could ever fill
I look forward
With great anticipation
To the day we will unite
Once Again
So I let you go
Not with a goodbye
But with a see you
In the afterlife
-Beth Harrison, 1991

For Michelle's Story, Click Here

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.


After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."


The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"


"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..


"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.


The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."


The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..


The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."


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Dog and Cat Dental Care

Caring for pets’ teeth is a mystery for many pet owners.

In reality, our little furry friends’ dental issues are really quite similar to ours.

Tarter Formation

As food particles, saliva, and bacteria collect on the dental surface, they form a soft plaque. Within 24-48 hours, however, the plaque begins to solidify into the mineralized tarter. Tarter firmly adheres to the teeth and harbors even more bacteria, resulting in an active inflammation of the gums called gingivitis.

The large amounts of bacteria in the mouth can also become a source of infection for the rest of the body. Each time the animal breathes and swallows, the bacteria are shed into the lungs, heart, kidneys, etc., potentially seeding further organ disease.

Periodontal Disease

Any damage to the tooth’s surrounding gum and supportive bone tissues is considered periodontal disease. In Stages 1 and 2 of periodontal disease, the gums have mild to moderate gingivitis. The gingiva begins to recede away from the tooth surface and halitosis (bad breath) may already become noticeable. These changes are still reversible with appropriate treatment.

As the periodontal tissue infection progresses, the deep tissue adhesions and bone react and reabsorb. These are permanent changes in which the stability between the tooth root and the bone is lost. Painful abscesses at the root tip may develop once the integrity of the periodontum has been lost. Eventually the tooth may even fall out.

One significant concern for cats includes tooth resorptions. Unknown if they result from periodontal disease or another autoimmune process, these cavity-like defects in the tooth are usually progressive and very painful. These teeth generally should be extracted. Some cases are so severe they may require full mouth extractions.

Dental Cleaning

A thorough dental cleaning procedure involves literally scraping tarter from the teeth and under the gum lining. At that time, your veterinarian will also examine all dental, gingival, and oral surfaces, looking for tooth decay, fractures, gingival pockets, and abnormal growths. Dental radiographs may be necessary to assess the root and bone structure. A final polishing will smooth the grooves on the teeth to help delay tarter recurrence.

Animals generally will not tolerate comprehensive teeth cleanings while awake. Patients should be safely anesthetized for a dental cleaning. As anesthesia does always carry its risks, discuss with your veterinarian the risks vs. benefits of such a procedure for your pet’s condition.

While patients should be safely anesthetized for a dental cleaning, this carries risks, so discuss with your veterinarian the risks vs. benefits of such a procedure for your pet’s condition.

Your Pet’s Teeth

On examination, your veterinarian will assess your pet’s oral health and make recommendations. With every visit, have your veterinarian show your pet’s teeth to you, so you are familiar with any subtle changes.

Meanwhile, the most evident problem you may notice with your pet may be bad breath. In other cases, your pet may begin chattering, drooling, eating hesitantly or stop eating altogether. Your first indication of a problem may even be a sudden swelling at the cheek from a tooth root abscess. Contact your veterinarian promptly with any abnormalities.

Home Dental Care

Pet oral care is an important opportunity to provide preventive care at home. Granted, some pets simply will not tolerate us near their mouths. Be patient and, more importantly, be safe. Allow a veterinary staff member to show you the best way to handle your pet.

At least a weekly brushing will significantly reduce the plaque and tarter build-up in your dog or cat’s mouth. With gradual, gentle introduction of the brush and toothpaste over several weeks, many dogs, and even some cats, will allow some brushing and/or oral rinsing. Use only dog and cat toothpaste that does not contain fluoride. Pet toothpastes are available in several palatable flavors.

Treat your pet’s teeth like your own. Prevention of oral disease will help the overall health and well-being of your dogs and cats.

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What is the main ingredient of WD-40?-

(Be sure to read to the end)

Does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is? Don't lie and don't cheat. WD-40. Who knew; I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do....probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I'm impressed! WD-40 who knew?

'Water Displacement #40'. The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound. They were successful with the 40th formulation, thus WD-40. The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you...When you read the 'shower door' part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stove top...Viola! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.

WD-40 uses:

1. Protects silver from tarnishing

2. Removes road tar and grime from cars

3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings

4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery

5. Keeps flies off cows

6. Restores and cleans chalkboards

7. Removes lipstick stains

8. Loosens stubborn zippers

9. Untangles jewelry chains

10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks

11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill

12. Keeps ceramic/terra-cotta garden pots from oxidizing

13. Removes tomato stains from clothing

14. Keeps glass (and plastic)shower doors free of water spots

15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors

16. Keeps scissors working smoothly

17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes

18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks

19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!

20. Gives a childrens' playground slide a shine for a super fast slide

21.Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers

22. Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises

23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open

24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close

25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers

26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles

27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans

28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling

29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly

30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools

31. Removes splattered grease on stove

32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging

33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs

34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)

35. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states

36. Removes all traces of duct tape

37. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain

38. Florida’s favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers

39. The favorite use in the state of New York , WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements

40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch

41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag

42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!

43. If you spray WD-40 on a distributor cap, it will displace the moisture and allow the car to start

P.S. The basic ingredient is FISH OIL!

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A Logical Solution to Achieve 100%

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:


A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

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Patio Park - Doggy Potty

I'm thinking about getting one of these for the condo...

The Patio Park system, billed as the Cadillac of dog potties, comes with a spacious area of turf, backed by a "picket fence" back wall to avoid wall splashes.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

First let me preface this by saying I had a large Skinnygirl Margarita and am on my second glass of wine!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!

Since we decided to stay here until spring we are looking for rentals.  We are having trouble finding something we like, reasonably priced, pet friendly, 1000+ sq ft and under $1000/month rent.  I found a townhome community that I fell in love with and while searching to see if anything was for rent, I stumbled across a couple we liked.  I decided to also search the sales because there were 3 for sale signs in the community.

Women's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman.....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

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WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!

Last year I purchased the TV Ears so I could watch TV in bed without bothering Jerry and to use while on the treadmill.  They work great, but after an hour or so they would start to hurt my head.  This is probably just me.  I've always had a sensitive head.  I remember in elementary school my mother would insist on putting my hair in ponytails and it would hurt when she brushed it, but if you winced, you got smacked on the head with the brush, so you learned not to wince.  Even now, if I wear a headband or some sunglasses that are too snug I get headaches.

Anyways, the reason I bought them to begin with is as I get older it seems like the background music/noise on TV keeps getting louder and the dialogue keeps getting softer.  I'm having to turn up my TV louder and louder and rewinding my Tivo to understand what people are saying.  Finally when you can hear the speakers on your TV vibrate from the Tivo, "ding, ding, ding", a solution must be found.

I purchased the wireless speaker that goes with my TV Ears and I am so happy!  I have the speaker set up on my nightstand and use that now instead of the TV speakers.  The speaker really does a great job using something called Voice Clarifying Circuitry to make the dialogue clearer and keeps the backgound noise in the background.  I can understand everything that is said on the TV at half the volume I used to use. 

So as I make my first official purchase to initiate me into old-ladydom, I anxiously await what future gadgets await me as I tread into senility.

Official TV Ears Website - Must be 55 or older to enter!

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Personality Disorders of the Real Housewives (& my mother)

I came across this blog and found it very tantalizing. The author has a psychology degree and has used that degree to "diagnose" the various housewives for our entertainment.

Click here to read her synposis:
Personality Disorders of the Real Housewives

Read on to see how my mother compares to a couple of the housewives.  I have highlighted the characteristics that describe Mommie Dearest

Her diagnosis of Teresa sounds like my mother:

Emotionally Unstable Personality, Impulsive Type at least three of the following must be present:



■Marked tendency to act unexpectedly and without consideration of the consequences



■Marked tendency to quarrelsome behavior and to conflicts with others (my mother must maintain and cause conflicts amongst her children to amintain her feeling of control)

■Liability to outbursts of anger or violence without ability to control the resulting behavioral explosions


■Difficulty in maintaining any course of action that offers no immediate reward

■Unstable and capricious mood

But then Danielle's "diagnosis" also is very Liz-Like:

She has a Tony Soprano type charm I do think Danielle fits the profile for antisocial personality disorder and is indeed a psychopath. Judge for yourself though. Diagnosis is made by observation of a majority of these behaviors:

Selfish, callous and remorseless use of others:


■Glibness/superficial charm (smooth-talking, engaging and slick)

■Grandiose sense of self-worth (greatly inflated idea of one’s abilities and self-esteem, arrogance and a sense of superiority)

■Pathological lying

■Conning/manipulative (uses deceit to cheat others for personal gain)

■Lack of remorse or guilt (no feelings or concern for losses, pain and suffering of others)

■Emotional poverty (limited range or depth of feelings)

■Callous/lack of empathy (a lack of feelings toward others; cold, contemptuous and inconsiderate)

■Failure to accept responsibility for own actions

Chronically unstable, antisocial and socially deviant lifestyle:

■Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom (an excessive need for new, exciting stimulation and risk-taking)

■Parasitic lifestyle (exploitative financial dependence on others)

■Poor behavioral control (frequent verbal abuse and inappropriate expressions of anger)

■Promiscuity (numerous brief, superficial sexual affairs)

■Lack of realistic, long-term goals

■Impulsivity

■Irresponsibility (repeated failure to fulfill or honor commitments and obligations)

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SOLD!!! Well, Under Contract anyway...

Yay!  We received an offer on the house, we countered and the buyer accepted our counter-offer!  WooHoo!!  We are in the 10 day option period for the buyer to get the inspection.  He is closing on his home sale on August 5 and we are scheduled to close on August 13.  We may close a little sooner if he has funding before the 13th.  We hung out with the buyer for a little while today and he seems like a super nice guy.  Single dad and wants his youngest to start his freshman year at Madison since he currently lives in Windcrest and the school there is Roosevelt, which has turned more into a detention center than a high school.

Foods You Should NEVER Feed Your Dogs

Foods You Should NEVER Feed Your Dogs

Because of the unique metabolism of dogs, there are several foods fit for human consumption and other animal species but can be hazardous for dogs. Some of the dangerous foods can only cause upsets of the digestive system mildly while other foods can be the reason for severe sickness and sometimes death. The foods listed below should never be given to dogs whether deliberately or by accident:

Alcoholic drinks can cause intoxication for dogs, the same effect they have on humans. The most adverse effects are coma and even death.

Coffee, tea and chocolate can be toxic to dogs and may affect the nervous system especially the heart because of their theophylline, theobromine and caffeine content.

Garbage, spoiled or moldy foods may cause diarrhea and vomiting due to the multiple toxins. It can also have ill effects on the other organs.

Garlic and onions (whether in powder, cooked or raw forms) can cause anemia and damage the red blood cells because of the sulfoxides and disulfides contents. Onions are more toxic than garlic.

Artificial sweeteners like Xylitolmay result to failure of the liver functions.

Bones from poultry, fish or other sources of meat may cause laceration or obstruction of the digestive system.

Baby food, if given in large quantities may cause nutritional deficiencies. Most baby foods have onion powder which can be harmful to your pet dogs.

Fat trimmings may result to pancreatitis.

Extracts from citrus oil may result to vomiting.

Raisins and grapes can cause damage to the kidneys due to an unknown toxin.

Hops contain an unknown compound that causes elevated temperature, increased heart rate, panting, seizures and even death.

Raw eggs decrease the absorption of a B vitamin called biotin because of the enzyme called avidin. This may result to hair, coat and skin problems. Raw eggs can also have Salmonella.

Raw fish may lead to a deficiency in a B vitamin called thiamine which, in return, may result to loss of appetite, seizures and death in severe cases.

Salt may result to electrolyte imbalance if eaten in large quantities.

Table scraps when given in large amounts are not nutritionally balanced. Table scraps should not be over 10% of a dog's diet. Meat should be trimmed of fat and bones should not be given.

Large amounts of liver may affect the bones and muscles due to the toxicity of Vitamin A.


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Offer on the way!!!

Well Chris is on her way over with an offer on our house!  Hopefully it will be a good one.  The potential buyer wants to move in by August.

If the offer is good enough, we will hustle on the move.  Luckily our large trash pick up is due in a couple of weeks so I can load up the curb again.

Since we missed our desired deadline for moving and summer is already half over, if we accept the offer Jerry and I are thinking about renting something smaller (and cheaper) here and sock away the extra to fluff up our savings a bit more. If we go this route we will wait until winter to move.  I'd rather drive across the country in cooler weather and with my new job as a bookkeeper I am learning Quickbooks wgich will give me yet another skill for my resume.

100 Years Ago...

The year is 1910.  One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!  Here are some statistics for the Year 1910:

The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.

Fuel for tthe Ford Model T car was sold in drug stores only.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower

The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year ..

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .

Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!  Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard.'

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

The Five leading causes of death were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars ....

The population of Las Vegas , Nevada , was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school..

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, Regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health'

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help ....

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !


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Teenage Angst - Long Verses

I'm transcribing journal entries from the early 1990's. What follows are some of those entries.

Just a little love

It doesn't seem much to ask

Maybe I look too hard

It's a primal need

I can't seem to grasp

It seems the more I try

The more often I go home and cry

Why does it need to hurt so much

Am I doing something wrong

Come and go is always the story

All my energy drained

I need to rest yet I can't

Somewhere, Somehow I'll find it

I think...

I don't really know anymore

You think you've found it

Then before it begins, it's over

Like there never was a chance

Is it you, me, I guess

I'll never know

I only wish I could hold on

For a while longer and maybe

Love and be loved

I want to be with you

My Heart

My Soul

My Body

All wish to be

joined to you

Never to part from you

Not for eternity

Just as my mind is constantly

filled with thoughts of you

Please

I want it to be forever

Never for your love to

part from me

As mine will never

Part from thee.

I love you

but is it love I feel

And if so

How do I compete with

those that have loved you

before be?

Do you feel for me

as I do for you

or are you afraid.

Afraid of the memories

of another

Who you so highly acclaim?

I will freely give

All my heart will allow

If only you would share

with me

Your hopes and dreams

Let me in, Please

If only for a day

a minute

I will swear to you

all my love

undivided

Yours and your alone

-November 1991

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