5 year Chemo-versary!!

Well it's officiall! I am in remission from the Hodgkins Disease I was treated for in 2004-2005! Yay!

Jerry & I are now able to move forward with our plans to relocate. We are very excited. We have spent the past few months de-cluttering the house by sending some of grandparents effects to my siblings in Maine, selling on ebay & craigslist and giving stuff to friends.

After a while, dealing with all this stuff gets to be extremely overwhelming and tiring. We have trash pick up twice a week with the automated 96 gallon cans. These cans are so big I could climb in and be comfortable! We filled those suckers up 19 times!!

Little long, but nice analogy for life

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling... It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.... Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water .. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean ?

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Well it hit the fan...

OK. So my MIL brought the girls down to spend Xmas with their mom. They already have their return tickets to go back to Oklahoma. Between here and Oklahoma is back to back winter weather advisories, frozen roads, snow like hasn't been seen in years and my idiot brother in law decides against everyone elses judgement to drive down here and pick them up instead. Of course one would think he was doing this to spend extra time crammed in the car with 7 people to spend more time with his kids or something but of course not. With my BIL it's always about his needs...

So he shows up on the premise he's come to drive them back to Oklahoma, he picks up the girls but not his mother. You've got to realize that his mother has raised the girls since 2003. She sold her house when he joined the Navy to move with them because he's a single dad. When she sold her house, she gave him all the money to pay off bills and buy a new truck because she naively had faith in her son that he would take care of her as she has taken care of him and his children for the past 6 years. But I digress...

So he picks up the girls to take them out to Sea World (again)and in his usual selfish style arrives at our house 2 hours late after we called to see where they were and he lied. Turns out, he drove all the way down here so he could marry the snotty bitch without telling anyone! He says he came down here because he wanted the Judge that married him and his EX-WIFE to marry them. What a jackhole!

Additionally, they "didn't have room" in the car for my MIL!! WTH!! So this snotty, wanna be christian, bitches plan seems to be that my MIL would just stay with us when they drove off into the sunset. And they wonder why Jerry & I didn't gush all over them going "Congratulations!". Whatever! He's such a selfish bastard!

Construction is FINALLY done!

Hip! Hip! Hooray!!

Well 4 months later and the construction is finally done!! It took a little longer than planned because of some rain days and when the house was lifted it cause a second plumbing leak after the house that took a week to dig out and repair.

Now the house has been lifted and backfilled, but all that dirt and heavy machinery has ruined our yard. There is no grass left! 2 days after they finished my BIL came down with his bitch of a girlfriend and he insulted our yard talking about how much of a mess it was and how we should really take care of it! WTF! He is such an ass. NEWayz...

Now we have to have the interior cracks filled & sanded. Then on to painting...

A year has passed...

It has been a year since Nana passed away and my worst fears have come to pass.

My mother (my Grandparents only "loving" child) has somehow managed to buy a house even with like 3 bankruptcies and foreclosures over the past 20 years, the most recent being 3 years ago, but I digress.

My graqndmothers ashes were to be interred on June 5, 2009 with my grandfathers. However my mother with her selfish, cruel, cold and evil heart has instead decided her mother does not deserve to have her wishes followed.

My mother instead figures the public dump is good enough so my grandmothers ashes have been lost amongst the trash as my mother cleaned out her rental in preparation of her move. I hope she enjoys her new bordello with the whore red carpet.

A Decision...

Well after much debate and discussion with Jerry and my Doctors and along with wonderful advice from my Mother in Law, we have decided that I'm going to resign my position and play at being housewife for a while. Or as Jerry calls it "Home Project Manager".

Gonna start doing the whole cooking thing, on the condition that Jerry buys me a bigger slow cooker and a griddle. We also have so many projects around the house; landscaping, painting all rooms, painting molding, cleaning, organizing, etc... in preparation for putting our house on the market. So I will not be bored! Lots to do!

What is going on?..

Wondering what is up with hubby's family. My MIL has been showing signs of being more and more depressed and having physical pains associated with stress. Even my nieces don't seem as happy as they used too. My BIL moved his girlfriend and her sons into their house and she has done some really nasty things. She claims to be super christion but they live together in sin and she lies all the time. While I'm not in the house to see the extent of the lies, my BIL is a compulsive liar and the both of them have told my MIL lies about Jerry & I. The situation really seems to be getting bad in Oklahoma. The older of the 2 boys is ok, but the youngest is a real brat! When they were here in August I just wanted to smack him. He runs around doing whatever he wants, screeching while my husband is a meeting in the other room and the snotty bitch thinks it's fine and does nothing. My BIL doesn't give him any disipline either! By the end of their stay I had locked myself in my room, medicated myself heavily and hoped they would leave VERY soon. If this is what it's like everyday at home, the fit is certainly going to hit the shan sometime soon!

Our new "home"?

Well work on our foundation repairs is in full swing! The fun part is that they have to drill 2ft x 3ft wide and 4 ft deep holes in everyone of the bedrooms! What this means is that Jerry and I have to move our bedroom into the family room. All the furniture from the office and guest room have been moved to the living/dining room so for the next 3-4 weeks our 2000 sq ft house is going to shrink to only about 700 sq ft of living space!

Our queen size bed is now infront of the fireplace and the only other rooms we can access our the kitchen and breakfast nook. It doesn't help that the dust from all the drilling is so thick it's hard to breath and it has coated everything!

The dust has clogged up our ceiling fan motors to the point they won't work and has even messed with the TV!

This environment has been very stressful for me and my anxiety levels are off the charts!!

August 15, 1989 - Michelle

I'm writing this now on the advice of my therapist who thinks I have unresolved issues relating to several friends deaths in my teens.  He thinks writing it all down will help with my anxiety attacks.  Sharing it publicly is my choice.

August 15, 1989 started out like any normal summer day. We had a few weeks until school started, all my friends were turning 16 and getting our licenses and life was generally good.

Michelle and I worked together at the Whataburger on 35 and Toepperwein and spent most of our free time together that summer. Michelle had turned 16 the day before and gotten her license. Her father was giving her a car for her birthday that day and they picked up the 1981 Brown Ford Escort at noon. We were planning a drive to Devine with Nathan Wallace to see her boyfriend Bowen Wallace. Unfortunately our boss would not let both of us take the day off, so I stayed behind.

That evening as I was sitting in my room I heard my mother call out to me from her bedroom. The 10 o'clock news had just started. I ran to my mother's room and she asked me what Michelle's first name was because she knew it was an unusual name and that Michelle went by her middle name. I responded "Chloe" and my mother blurted out that she was dead while pointing at the television.

I turned in time to see the EMT's rolling a gurney towards an ambulance and saw an image that still haunts my dreams to this day. Michelle had a pair of Keds that she loved and wore all the time. They were decorated with billiard balls. The gurney was covered with a yellow blanket, but on one end a single foot stuck out from under the blanket bouncing as the EMT rolled the gurney to the ambulance, the foot had on a Ked decorated with billiard balls. That's when I lost it!

Everywhere I looked around my house I saw Michelle. She had only been there the night before. The hardest part for me was my cat Prissy. She was all white and adored Michelle. She would jump in Michelle's lap everytime she came over and Michelle would kiss the top of her head. Prissy had a pink stain on the top of her head from Michelle's lip gloss and everytime I saw her I started crying all over again. Finally my mother gave me a Valium and called our manager at Whataburger Angela to ask if I could stay with her for the night. I really don't remember much after that of the next 24 hours. Michelle was pronounced dead at the scene at 4:44 PM, just short of 5 hours after picking up her car. The story was all over the news the next day, "Girl, 16 killed 5 hours after receiving car for birthday".

This was my first experience with a death that was so close to me. It took a long time for me to be able to think about Michelle without crying and to this day, 20 years later, when I think of her I feel an ache in my heart. I keep her name tag from Whataburger in my jewelry box along with a barette, that's all I have of her.

The night of her funeral, August 18, was the first (of many) times my best friend Kris snuck into my room in the middle of the night and held me as I cried myself to sleep. He was there for me when I didn't feel anyone else was and I credit him with giving me the strength I needed to make it through.

For a poem written about Michelle, click here

The verse used for her services was an abbreviated version of Safely Home:

I am home in heaven, dear ones;

Oh so happy and so bright!

There is perfect joy and beauty

In this everlasting light.

All the pain and grief is over,

Every restless tossing passed;

I am now at peace forever,

Safely home in heaven at last.

There is work still waiting for you,

So you must not idly stand;

Do it now, while life remains,

You shall rest in God’s own land.

When that work is all completed,

He will gently call you home;

Oh, the rapture of that meeting,

Oh, the joy to see you come!

MY HOME PAGE

What's up Doc?

So after seeing 3 Doctors of varying specialties they have determined between them I am suffering from a Panic Disorder that I have had mild problems with dating back to my teens and all the more recent stress has elevated it to Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia.

Many people have the misconception that Agoraphobia is the fear of leaving ones house and confuse some symptoms of Agoraphobia as being Claustrophobia. If anyone is curious, here is a link that explains Agoraphobia:



On my Doctors suggestion I will be taking some FMLA time off from work while we experiment with more medication combinations so I no longer have the physical side effects of the anxiety attacks and work on making me happy again.